funny weekend jokes

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by SkauneJohan, Mar 25, 2012.

  1. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well they decide to go<br> to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt <br>and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his<br> hands again. <br><br><br>The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." <br><br><br>The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?" <br><br><br>"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." <br><br><br>One thing led to another and they make love. <br><br><br>After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." <br><br><br>The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" <br><br><br>"Didn't feel a thing!"
     
  2. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    <font face="&quot;">some Chinese</font> <img src="http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_lol.gif" alt="Laughing" longdesc="7"><br><br><br><br>That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong<br><font face="&quot;">Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?</font><br><font face="&quot;">See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao</font><br><font face="&quot;">Stupid man........................................Dum Gai</font><br><font face="&quot;">Small horse.......................................Tai Ni Po Ni</font><br><font face="&quot;">It's very dark in here...........................Wai So Dim?</font><br><font face="&quot;">I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching?</font><br><font face="&quot;">This is a tow-away zone......................No Pah King</font><br><font face="&quot;">Our meeting is scheduled for next week......Wai Yu Kum Nao?</font><br><font face="&quot;">Staying out of sight............................Lei Ying Lo</font><br><strong><font face="&quot;">How To Speak Chinese -Advanced </font></strong><br><br><font face="&quot;">He's cleaning his automobile.................Wa Shing Ka</font><br><font face="&quot;">Your body odour is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu <br></font><font face="&quot;">Did you go to the beach?.....................Wai Yu So Tan?</font><br><font face="&quot;">I bumped into a coffee table.................Ai Bang Mai Ni</font><br><font face="&quot;">I think you need a face lift...................Chin Tu Fat</font>
     

  3. zamarion

    zamarion New Member

    370
    0
    0
    ha love the chinese jokes seen them somewhere before but they stay funny everytime
     
  4. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    <img src="http://i39.tinypic.com/2rx7i4m.jpg" border="0" alt="">
     
  5. onnod

    onnod Im from Holland, isnt that weird?

    6,001
    18
    38
    <table width="90%" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0" border="0" align="center">
    <tr><td><span class="genmed"><b>skaunejohan wrote:</b></span></td></tr>
    <tr><td class="quote"><img src="http://i39.tinypic.com/2rx7i4m.jpg" border="0" alt=""></td></tr>
    </table>
    <span class="postbody"><br>lol<br>you mean we all know two</span>
     
  6. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this! <br><br>On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer <br>section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson. Be very<br>sure you get this brand.<br><br>When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone<br>so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your<br>favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully<br>place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.<br><br>Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will<br>notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal Thermometer made<br>by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested". Now, close your eyes and repeat out<br>loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at<br>Johnson & Johnson."<br><br>Have a nice day and remember, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A<br>JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!<br>------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br>A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and <br>you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little <br>Johnny.<br>''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''<br><br>The<br> teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.''<br> Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three <br>women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the<br> sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the<br> top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice <br>cream. Which one is married?''<br><br>The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''<br><br>''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''
     
  7. zamarion

    zamarion New Member

    370
    0
    0
    ahahahahahahha XD nice
     
  8. zamarion

    zamarion New Member

    370
    0
    0
    got his one for ya<img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/img-2024.jpg" border="0" alt="">
     
  9. zamarion

    zamarion New Member

    370
    0
    0
    got a whole bunch on my phone here they are just click to enlarge<br><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=19&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/img-2025.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=20&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_110.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=21&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_111.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=22&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_112.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=23&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_113.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=24&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_114.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=25&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_115.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=26&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_116.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=27&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_117.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=28&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_118.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=29&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_119.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=30&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_120.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=31&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_210.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=32&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_211.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=33&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_212.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=34&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_213.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a><a href="http://www.servimg.com/image_preview.php?i=35&u=17372335" class="postlink" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img src="http://i47.servimg.com/u/f47/17/37/23/35/th/9gag_214.jpg" border="0" alt=""></a>
     
  10. onnod

    onnod Im from Holland, isnt that weird?

    6,001
    18
    38
    9gag!!!! <img src="http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_biggrin.png" alt="Very Happy" longdesc="1">
     
  11. e_monster55

    e_monster55 New Member

    157
    0
    0
    This. made. my day. You may keep those 3 mins of my life. <img src="http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_smile.gif" alt="Smile" longdesc="2">
     
  12. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    <a href="http://idiot.se/roliga-filmer/fartkameran/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://idiot.se/roliga-filmer/fartkameran/</a><br><br>quite funny video <img src="http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_lol.gif" alt="Laughing" longdesc="7"><br><br>I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.<br>We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was<br>watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in<br>all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring<br>at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.<br><br>When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the<br>matter old man? Never done anything wild in your life?'<br>Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke<br>on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic<br>style he did not bat an eye in his response, 'Got drunk once and had<br>sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'<br><br>------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br>how masters conclude stuff<br><br>Place banana in your ear.<br>Observe that there is no alligators around.<br>Conclude bananas placed in ears keep alligators away<br>---------------------------------------------------------------------<br>Learning proper English<br><br><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCcCzj_yRtk" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CCcCzj_yRtk</a><br>A young man said to his <br>libido-driven wife: "What should we do, darling? Eat or have sex?" And <br>she replied: "You can choose. But there's not a crumb in the house<br>-----------------------------------------------------------------------<br>Someone needled a jokester: <br>"I had your wife, without paying a dime." He replied: "It's my duty as a<br> husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'<br>---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>my application for a dating agency was refused today.... I failed on <br>Question 6: What do I like in a woman? .... Apparently "my c*ck" is NOT <br>an acceptable answer
     
  13. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it<br>was dead.<br>- How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked her pupil.<br>- Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move, answered the child<br>innocently.<br>- You did WHAT? the teacher exclaimed in surprise.<br>- You know, I leaned over and went Pssst and it didn't move<br>------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br>Daddy's car in the woods? <br><br>Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go <br>into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane <br>in a passionate embrace. <br><br>Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as <br>he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mommy, I was at the <br>playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to <br>look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her <br>take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his <br>pants off, then Aunt Jane...' <br><br>At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such <br>an interesting story, suppose you save! the rest of it for supper <br>time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it <br>tonight.' <br><br>At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his <br>story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I <br>saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to <br>look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take <br>off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, <br>then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and <br>Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.' <br><br>Mommy fainted! <br><br>Moral: <br>Sometimes you need to listen to the whole <br>story <br>before you interrupt!<br>------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br>What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?<br>Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than<br>100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants<br>you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up<br>100% in real life? <br><br>Here&rsquo;s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these<br>questions: If: <br><br>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: <br><br>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. <br><br>Then: <br><br>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is<br><br>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% <br><br>And <br><br>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E <br><br>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%<br><br>But, <br><br>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E <br><br>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% <br><br>And,<br><br>B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T <br><br>2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%<br><br>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. <br><br>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G <br><br>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%<br><br>So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty. That while Hard<br>work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,<br>it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!
     
  14. zamarion

    zamarion New Member

    370
    0
    0
    awsome jokes XD here watch this one it almost made me piss my pants<br>how to speak with an irish accent<br><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxQL92WAT68" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxQL92WAT68</a>
     
  15. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    <img src="http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/4628/tvttgf9.jpg" border="0" alt="">
     
  16. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    The reason why men should be in charge of advisory columns!<br><br><br> question:<br> Dear Walter,<br> I hope you can help me. The other day, I drove off to work<br> I left my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I had not gone<br> far when the engine just stopped.<br><br> I walked back home and asked my husband for help. When I got home I could<br> not believe my eyes! He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I'm 32 years old,<br> My husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 22. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. When<br> I confronted him, he broke down and confessed that they have had a relationship<br> the last six months.<br><br> I put an ultimatum to stop or I would leave him. He was laid<br> of his job six months ago and says he has been feeling depressed and<br> worthless since then. I love him very much, but since I gave him<br> my ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He will not go to family counselling and I feel I can not get through to him. Please help me!<br><br> Best regards<br> Jennifer<br><br><br> Answer:<br> Dear Jennifer!<br> A car stalling after being driven only a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine and surrounding system. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel. If it is that's OK, otherwise check the fuel injection, and check that there are no loose cables. If none of this is wrong it may be due to the fuel pump delivering too low pressure to the engine.<br><br> Hope this helps,<br> Walter<br><br>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br>A couple was going out for the evening.<br><br>They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.<br><br>However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.<br><br>They<br> don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi <br>while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.<br><br>The wife, <br>not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi <br>driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'<br><br>A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.<br><br>'Sorry<br> I took so long' he says. 'Stupid b!tch was hiding under the bed and I <br>had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to<br> wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I <br>hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better <br>not shit in the vegetable garden again!'<br><br>The silence in the cab was deafening.
     
  17. SkauneJohan

    SkauneJohan Member

    144
    0
    16
    do you know the similarity between a dog and a woman?<br><br>If you hold them in their ears, look them deep into their eyes and talk very clearly it's almost like they understand what you say<br><br>--------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>I was walking down the road and saw my Afghanistan neighbour<br>Abdul standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.<br>I shouted up to him:<br><br>- What's wrong Abdul, won't it start?<br><br>---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" <br>He answered, "I don't know." <br><br>I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning." <br>---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. <br>By the end, you&rsquo;ll wish you had a damn club and a spade<br>---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br><br><u>2012 JOKE OF THE YEAR</u> <br><br><br>Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.<br>---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>don't mess with me! I know karate, kung fu, judo, jujitsu and 16 other dangerous words!<br>-------------------------------------------------------------------------<br>religions of the world<br><br>TAOISM: shit happens<br>HINDUISM: this shit happened before<br>ISLAM: if shit happens take a hostage<br>BUDDHISM: when shit happens is it really shit?<br>7th DAY ADVENTIST: shit happens on Saturday<br>PROTESTANTISM: shit wont happen if I work harder<br>CATHOLICISM: if shit happens, I deserve it<br>JEHOVAH'S WITNESS: knock, knock "shit happens"<br>JUDAISM: why does shit always happen to me?<br>HARE KRISHNA: shit happens Rama Rama Ding Dong <br>ATHEISM: no shit<br>TV EVANGELISM: send more shit<br>RASTAFARIANISM: let's smoke this shit<br>FEMINISM: men are shit<br>SATANISM: sneppah tihs<br>LOGICAL POSITIVISM SHIT: s+h+i+t